The Wizard
by tfm
Summary: Sometimes it's hard to block out the job, even when you're fighting evil wizards. Born to Be Mild verse.


**Title: **Of Dungeons and Dragons II: The Wizard**  
Rating: **PG**  
Fandom: **Criminal Minds**  
Universe: **Of Dungeons and Dragons**  
Characters/Pairing: **Morgan, Reid, Prentiss, Kevin, Garcia - gen**  
Genre: **Humor/Adventure**  
Summary: **Sometimes it's hard to block out the job, even when you're fighting evil wizards.

Of Dungeons and Dragons II: The Wizard

Spencer Reid reached for another Cheeto, his fingers already stained orange. It had been Kevin's turn to bring the snacks, a fact that was lamented by all. While caffeine and snacks high in starch were apparently a staple of the gamer diet, the food was less appealing to those who ate it on a regular basis.

In the BAU, you didn't get time for real meals.

'In the distance, you see a cave,' said Garcia, any drama she was attempting to build up ruined by the constant crunching coming from at least two members of the group. 'At the entrance to the cave is a sign, warning that trespassers will be eviscerated.'

'Gomp ishie,' Kevin choked through his mouthful of food. Emily curled her lip in disgust as crumbs sprayed across the table. 'Go inside.' Kevin tried again once he had swallowed his mouthful. It was Kevin's turn as party leader, a fact that the rest of the group rued. It wasn't so much the fact that they didn't trust him, it was simply because they were unfamiliar with his working style. As profilers, their job depended on being able to work like a well-oiled machine. In this setting, with Kevin in charge, it was difficult to maintain that modicum of control.

'Are you all in agreement?' asked Garcia, with a mysterious look on her face. But, profilers as they were, the rest of the team knew without a doubt that she _wanted_ them to go inside.

'It's a trap,' argued Reid. 'Look at the language on the sign. Whoever wrote this is a classic narcissist. He _wants_ people to go inside simply so he _can _eviscerate them.'

'Well either way, we're going to end up fighting a battle today,' said Emily. 'It might as well be against whoever lives inside the cave.'

'Stay in character to make your decisions,' warned Garcia. Emily rolled her eyes.

'Fine. We'll go in because we're too curious for our own good. Is everyone happy with that?'

Morgan pouted. Seeing the opportunity to bring up his own point of contention, he spoke. 'I'm seriously sick of being a gnome. If you don't help me with that character sheet today, I'm backing out.'

Emily nudged him, grinning. 'Come on, Morgan. You have to prove that you're _worthy _of a new character. Fight the brave fight, gnome or no. You're all about honor, right? You don't want us to think that you're chicken?'

She was pushing his buttons, and he knew it. He raised an eyebrow, but sighed his agreement anyway. 'Fine. But so help me…If I'm a Halfling next time, I'm gonna sneak attack your ass.'

'Please. You couldn't beat me if you tried.'

Kevin cleared his throat. 'I believe we have a monster to go kill,' he said expectantly, glaring at the two bickering profilers.

Garcia was smiling as she spoke. 'You enter the cave. It's dark-'

***

-_dark. With unnecessary flourish, Siegfried cast continual flame on the torches that lay bracketed just ahead of them._

'_I've got a flint and steel, you know,' muttered Amari softly. 'You didn't have to go and waste a spell.'_

'_Shhh,' Gryorden quieted the elf with unnecessary dramatics. 'We'll be heard.'_

'_Oh, I think you took care of that one, Kev,' quipped Roger._

('Guys, you're not staying in character. You're seasoned adventurers, not FBI agents on their day off.'

'Sorry Garcia.')

_Their argument ceased, the party crept forward slowly, Gryorden keeping a watchful eye out. It wouldn't do well for them to walk straight into a trap._

_As they entered the cavern at the end of the passageway, Siegfried let out a hiss. 'There is dark magic here.'_

_As if on cue, there was a loud crack as lightning split the air._

('Roll a reflex save, Emily.'

'What? Why me?'

'Because you've been harassing hot stuff, here.'

'Hey!'

'Sorry, Kevin. What's your roll?'

'…seven.'

'Sorry, didn't hear that.'

'Seven.'

'Ha ha. Oh, boy. Take forty damage.')

_Amari fell backwards, struck in the chest. That in itself was enough to spur the rest of the group into action._

'_I'm fine,' she muttered, standing, though it was evident she was anything but. With a grimace, she put a hand to her shoulder, and used her limited healing abilities. It didn't quite restore her to full health, but it was enough to prevent her from keeling over unconscious at the first sign of battle._

'_You dare enter my home!' a voice bellowed, evidently the person who is responsible for the sign outside. 'You will be eviscerated!'_

('See - definitely a narcissist.'

'Reid, Siegfried doesn't have any ranks in the Profiler profession.'

'Hey, we should totally do that – fantasy crime fighters!'

'…')

_Roger rushed forward, both hands clasped on his longsword. In the hands of the three-foot gnome, the sword barely reached the wizard's chest. Even that, though, was enough to do some damage._

_Gryorden dodged the flames sent in his direction with ease, darting around to flank the wizard._

('Penelope!'

'I can't show favoritism, Kevvy. You know that.')

'_You will rue the day you messed with Roger the mighty!' yelled the gnome, as his sword swiped across the wizard's robes, missing entirely. Beside him, Amari had joined the fray, color still returning to her cheeks. With the combined efforts of the group, their foe was dispatched, badass wizard or not._

('"Badass wizard," Garcia? Seriously?'

'Well he wasn't exactly a goodass wizard.'

'Oh, very funny. Okay, looting time.')

_The party congregated around the corpse, as Gryorden knelt down to rifle through the wizard's robes. Amari wrinkled her nose in disgust. As a Paladin of the mighty Tyr, she should have been against these sorts of things. It was something of a moot point, though, considering they roamed __Toril, killing things._

'_Ooh, hey,' said Gryorden brightly. 'He's got a whole bunch of gold. Looks like we'll be living the good life for a bit.'_

_Backpacks soon full with a bizarre plethora of items looted from the wizard's cave, the party were soon on their way, no doubt to meet another foe along their path_.

***

Garcia overturned her notes, and closed the Dungeon Master's guide.

'Sorry that one was so short,' she said apologetically. 'I figured that we'd probably get interrupted with casework halfway through, anyway. It's been that kind of week.'

Morgan, Prentiss and Reid nodded grimly. Kevin said nothing, though Garcia had confided in him the difficulty of the latest case.

'It's still early, if you wanted to watch a movie,' offered Garcia. 'No slasher fics,' she amended quickly.

'Sounds good,' Emily decided, 'Only there's something I need to do first.' She pulled the nearest Player's Handbook towards her, and turned to Morgan. 'So, what, you want to be Roger the fighting orc?'

Morgan grinned. 'Sounds good,' he echoed.


End file.
